there should be light at the end of the tunnel but nobody warned me that before you reach the light, you'd have to wade through mounds of crap and shit pits yourself. You get beat up and bruised or even break your bones while you're at it but still try to pysche yourself up and find the willpower to swim through all that. hopefully, the light that you've been fighting to reach isn't a train coming at you. Tough luck. all that's around you, you can't control really... hence, my question. Where do you get that willpower? And not just the willpower you need to jump across one or two shit pits but the strength/determination to still continue wading through a hundred million more tons of crap in the dark??? how do i not end up looking and feeling like a train wreck?!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
25 random things about me
1. im not a fan of softdrinks and i hate rootbeer - drinking carbonated beverages gives me the hiccups and those bubbles? kind of painful.
2. my handwriting depends on my moods. when i get so stressed out even my signature looks completely different. when i feel lazy my letters are so far apart and i write in print.
3. I am stubborn, pasaway, and gets annoyed easily (but there's a remedy- #4).
4. I have very very poor memory. I go to my room and forget why i went there, so i return to where i came from but can't remember what i was doing before i decided to go to my room. I pour juice or water into a glass, take a sip, leave it there and remember a few hours later that i poured myself a drink. my friends, this happens everyday.
5. when i was taking up abnormal psychology in college, we took this psychiatric exam about depressive disorders, came up with scores at the end of the exam and compared scores with the rest of the class. i was so proud that i got the highest score. stupid me, i didnt know that you were supposed to get a really low score. i was so surprised! Dr. Sean Tan told the class that my score meant that i had an acute depressive disorder. when the class ended, the prof approached me with a very concerned look on her face and said "Mela, how are you? do you want to talk? you can always approach me if you need some help."
6. i think i have middle child syndrome. terrible case :P
7. i look for orange juice whenever im sad and i find grocery shopping therapeutic when im so pissed.
8. i am lactose intolerant but bec i am stubborn (#3), i still eat ice cream, drink milk, eat cheese, chocolates, whatever.
9. my body clock is a mess since time immemorial
10. i treat my closest set of friends like the sisters i never had. (yes, they're all female)
11. i think too much, took me a long time to decide whether or not i'd post my 25 random stuff
12. i am frank (for some im too straightforward) but i appreciate it if other people try to be frank with me too
13. im a crybaby. i cry when im uber happy, super angry, when i eat spicy food, i cry when i watch telenovelas, i even had tears when i watched the KFC christmas commercial when the kids of a well-off family bought this street kid kfc dinner. hahaha im such a sap! pathetic!
14. i spent my childhood not liking my own name. english and chinese names. im over it now
15. once, i met this chinese woman in beijing who asked me what my chinese name was because she can't pronounce my english name. after i told her my chinese name, she said (in mandarin), "sounds like a man's name." pff... b*tch.
16. my mother enrolled me in all possible summer sports clinics in her desperate attempt to make me lose weight and all other summer classes possible. taekwondo, gymnastics, tennis, i tried golf a few times (i suck!), art lessons, piano lessons, guitar lessons... none of which i learned successfully. i liked tennis though, yay!
17. i was enrolled in st. jude for prep 1 before my parents transferred me to ica. probly because i got whipped everyday for being too chatty or maybe coz of #3 again.
18. i like big dogs
19. i love purple. i don't mind if everything i own is purple.
20. when i was in grade 1, i didn't get a perfect score for a spelling quiz because the teacher asked us to spell the word 'Jungle', but what i wrote on the booklet was, "6.) chitae"
21. i can read korean without understanding a single word. i can even write the korean words i hear on tv, but none of it would make sense to me.
22. i love popcorn. i can eat popcorn everyday, for breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, midnight snack...
23. i put cheese and chili in almost everything i eat. ignoring #13 :P people should come up with spicy bbq or jalapeno cheese flavored popcorn.
24. the year i spent in beijing is the most unforgettable year of my life so far. i had the best and the worst experiences there
25. i am at my best when i cram
2. my handwriting depends on my moods. when i get so stressed out even my signature looks completely different. when i feel lazy my letters are so far apart and i write in print.
3. I am stubborn, pasaway, and gets annoyed easily (but there's a remedy- #4).
4. I have very very poor memory. I go to my room and forget why i went there, so i return to where i came from but can't remember what i was doing before i decided to go to my room. I pour juice or water into a glass, take a sip, leave it there and remember a few hours later that i poured myself a drink. my friends, this happens everyday.
5. when i was taking up abnormal psychology in college, we took this psychiatric exam about depressive disorders, came up with scores at the end of the exam and compared scores with the rest of the class. i was so proud that i got the highest score. stupid me, i didnt know that you were supposed to get a really low score. i was so surprised! Dr. Sean Tan told the class that my score meant that i had an acute depressive disorder. when the class ended, the prof approached me with a very concerned look on her face and said "Mela, how are you? do you want to talk? you can always approach me if you need some help."
6. i think i have middle child syndrome. terrible case :P
7. i look for orange juice whenever im sad and i find grocery shopping therapeutic when im so pissed.
8. i am lactose intolerant but bec i am stubborn (#3), i still eat ice cream, drink milk, eat cheese, chocolates, whatever.
9. my body clock is a mess since time immemorial
10. i treat my closest set of friends like the sisters i never had. (yes, they're all female)
11. i think too much, took me a long time to decide whether or not i'd post my 25 random stuff
12. i am frank (for some im too straightforward) but i appreciate it if other people try to be frank with me too
13. im a crybaby. i cry when im uber happy, super angry, when i eat spicy food, i cry when i watch telenovelas, i even had tears when i watched the KFC christmas commercial when the kids of a well-off family bought this street kid kfc dinner. hahaha im such a sap! pathetic!
14. i spent my childhood not liking my own name. english and chinese names. im over it now
15. once, i met this chinese woman in beijing who asked me what my chinese name was because she can't pronounce my english name. after i told her my chinese name, she said (in mandarin), "sounds like a man's name." pff... b*tch.
16. my mother enrolled me in all possible summer sports clinics in her desperate attempt to make me lose weight and all other summer classes possible. taekwondo, gymnastics, tennis, i tried golf a few times (i suck!), art lessons, piano lessons, guitar lessons... none of which i learned successfully. i liked tennis though, yay!
17. i was enrolled in st. jude for prep 1 before my parents transferred me to ica. probly because i got whipped everyday for being too chatty or maybe coz of #3 again.
18. i like big dogs
19. i love purple. i don't mind if everything i own is purple.
20. when i was in grade 1, i didn't get a perfect score for a spelling quiz because the teacher asked us to spell the word 'Jungle', but what i wrote on the booklet was, "6.) chitae"
21. i can read korean without understanding a single word. i can even write the korean words i hear on tv, but none of it would make sense to me.
22. i love popcorn. i can eat popcorn everyday, for breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, midnight snack...
23. i put cheese and chili in almost everything i eat. ignoring #13 :P people should come up with spicy bbq or jalapeno cheese flavored popcorn.
24. the year i spent in beijing is the most unforgettable year of my life so far. i had the best and the worst experiences there
25. i am at my best when i cram
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Living in a box
Just when i thought that i could never bear to stay home over a single weekend.. not even for one Saturday night, here i am in my room, in paradise island, yet i refuse to go out... it's been a month! though i know that the world is just waiting for me to witness and enjoy it's glorious beauty, i find myself wanting more time alone to think, to daydream, to read more fiction, to listen to music, and just drown myself in this messed up phase in my life right now. i feel that i haven't really lived my life and instead simply skimmed over time and now circumstances have made me stop, left me with no other choice but to stop for a moment and look back. during the short span of time that i've been in this world, have i done anything of significance? something that may have mattered? anything worthy of remembering? have i lived life to it's full potential and taken the opportunities that mean more than just self gain?
I need to find inspiration to make me do things from the heart and not simply out of necessity or conformity. I want to be able to leave my footprint on other people's hearts, make an impact on something bigger than myself, move strangers in a special way so that if my life ended tomorrow, I would know that I've lived and not merely existed. And i will be able to say that I have made good use of the life lent to me.
I guess living in this room, this white box, is part of the bigger scheme of things. Maybe today I really am suppose to see things beyond the superficial and read about it, too (thanks to the book, The Orange Girl).
Tomorrow, I plan to step out the door... and see what awaits me.
I need to find inspiration to make me do things from the heart and not simply out of necessity or conformity. I want to be able to leave my footprint on other people's hearts, make an impact on something bigger than myself, move strangers in a special way so that if my life ended tomorrow, I would know that I've lived and not merely existed. And i will be able to say that I have made good use of the life lent to me.
I guess living in this room, this white box, is part of the bigger scheme of things. Maybe today I really am suppose to see things beyond the superficial and read about it, too (thanks to the book, The Orange Girl).
Tomorrow, I plan to step out the door... and see what awaits me.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The Man I Should Have Married
I've just recently read this book called 'the man i should have married'. I borrowed a few books from my really good friend and I chose to read this one first. I dunno why, i thought it had a catchy title and i felt at that time that i only wanted to read something light (chick lit :p)
It turned out to be a very easy read and i finished the book in half a day! wow. and it has a nice story -- carries you to a shallow reflective mood, I'd say. I was satisfied with it although, to be honest, I'm not really a fan of happy endings.
The cynic in me just can't ignore these happy endings even if i am completely aware that what I'm reading is fiction. :P It hits my pessimism hard and right after reading how the story ends, my mind just goes, "pfff.. that's just pure fantasy" OK, OK, fine. i know you might say "Duh, Mel! that's why it's fiction!" But still.. I'm thinking that even if it's fiction, the author must have always been imagining happy endings. and when you imagine things like that i think you are actually considering the possibility that it can happen in real life. and that you also want your readers to feel that sense of hope and longing for that happy ending. (and note that i didn't say 'perfect' happy ending because the characters themselves claimed that it wasn't perfect -- but still uber happy)
Does that make you think that I'm such a bitter and cynical girl? well, i can't answer that question. but did it ever occur to you that maybe I've been there? At that moment in my life when I, too, hoped for a happy ending or a sweet beginning to another chapter in my life, romantically, but things never turn out right, not even remotely positive. I've changed over the years from being a hopeless romantic into what i am now. no, i wouldn't say that I'm a pessimist.. i just grew up. i don't want to expect anything good to happen to me or allow myself to feel that sense of hope for someone to come and actually love me for who i really am. I'm not sure anymore if I want to believe that there is someone out there for each of us with whom we can share memories for the rest of our lives. I don't think you can blame me or anyone like me for feeling this way.
I believe that there's this part of me that feels so fatal when it comes to love. When my friends ask me questions with forced choices, like: Would you rather marry someone you really love but doesn't love you, or marry someone you don't love but really loves you? In a heartbeat, I'd pick the first one. I never really gave them an answer to this question. I just don't say anything at all because i know that i will only get violent reactions when they actually hear my answer. i can't imagine how violent their reactions can get because even when i give them my-mouth-shut answer, they're already yakking all around me. hahaha! i love my friends, even if i get misunderstood sometimes.
So, anyway, going back to this book. It had a very cheesy but straight to the point, straight from the heart one-liner that goes, "I love you, you know. I loved you the first time I met you and I've loved you all along. And anything you do without me from now on is just a big f*cking waste of time." Wow. she got it. she knew how it feels like to be left behind by the one you love -- this is how i felt each time I get left behind by the people i loved, and still love to this day. but they just, sadly, didn't quite feel the same way. and because of this, i am confused. the story isn't completely fictional now, is it? The emotional basis of this line is so human and so real but the ending... it comes from pure imagination.
pain is real, pain is a very human sensation.. but bliss, happiness, joy and whatever else -- is it just all in the mind?
It turned out to be a very easy read and i finished the book in half a day! wow. and it has a nice story -- carries you to a shallow reflective mood, I'd say. I was satisfied with it although, to be honest, I'm not really a fan of happy endings.
The cynic in me just can't ignore these happy endings even if i am completely aware that what I'm reading is fiction. :P It hits my pessimism hard and right after reading how the story ends, my mind just goes, "pfff.. that's just pure fantasy" OK, OK, fine. i know you might say "Duh, Mel! that's why it's fiction!" But still.. I'm thinking that even if it's fiction, the author must have always been imagining happy endings. and when you imagine things like that i think you are actually considering the possibility that it can happen in real life. and that you also want your readers to feel that sense of hope and longing for that happy ending. (and note that i didn't say 'perfect' happy ending because the characters themselves claimed that it wasn't perfect -- but still uber happy)
Does that make you think that I'm such a bitter and cynical girl? well, i can't answer that question. but did it ever occur to you that maybe I've been there? At that moment in my life when I, too, hoped for a happy ending or a sweet beginning to another chapter in my life, romantically, but things never turn out right, not even remotely positive. I've changed over the years from being a hopeless romantic into what i am now. no, i wouldn't say that I'm a pessimist.. i just grew up. i don't want to expect anything good to happen to me or allow myself to feel that sense of hope for someone to come and actually love me for who i really am. I'm not sure anymore if I want to believe that there is someone out there for each of us with whom we can share memories for the rest of our lives. I don't think you can blame me or anyone like me for feeling this way.
I believe that there's this part of me that feels so fatal when it comes to love. When my friends ask me questions with forced choices, like: Would you rather marry someone you really love but doesn't love you, or marry someone you don't love but really loves you? In a heartbeat, I'd pick the first one. I never really gave them an answer to this question. I just don't say anything at all because i know that i will only get violent reactions when they actually hear my answer. i can't imagine how violent their reactions can get because even when i give them my-mouth-shut answer, they're already yakking all around me. hahaha! i love my friends, even if i get misunderstood sometimes.
So, anyway, going back to this book. It had a very cheesy but straight to the point, straight from the heart one-liner that goes, "I love you, you know. I loved you the first time I met you and I've loved you all along. And anything you do without me from now on is just a big f*cking waste of time." Wow. she got it. she knew how it feels like to be left behind by the one you love -- this is how i felt each time I get left behind by the people i loved, and still love to this day. but they just, sadly, didn't quite feel the same way. and because of this, i am confused. the story isn't completely fictional now, is it? The emotional basis of this line is so human and so real but the ending... it comes from pure imagination.
pain is real, pain is a very human sensation.. but bliss, happiness, joy and whatever else -- is it just all in the mind?
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Tightest Circle
Last Sunday, I attended a wedding. My ninong's 2nd son finally decided to tie the knot. Our families are super good friends.. my dad and my ninong were high school classmates! so last Sunday, since all of their high school barkada were invited, it kind of turned into a reunion of closest friends. wow. imagine that? it's been almost 40 years since they graduated high school but they're still in touch and whenever they get together, they share this certain kind of energy, this kind of high... even at 60. I envy the kind of friendship that they have. I hope I'd get to keep my friends forever too.
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