playing the field

I arrived home this evening at 10. man, it's only the first day of the week and i already feel stressed. But it's alright, i know i can handle this. (who are you kiddin mela??? geez!)

Work itself isn't really tough. the workload's overwhelming but still i think it's manageable. stress comes from being on my toes the whole time.. this office environment feels like a huge ballgame. it's about running around in circles, chasing balls or trying not to get hit by one, strategic planning (includes sucking up to bosses who probably don't give a damn about you -- they probably just know you by face) and it's also about luck. pure luck.

at first i found office politics very amusing.. hehe the way people talk behind other people's back.. wow! really brings backstabbing to a higher level. and oh my, the people are so plastic! it's like a theater, a ball game, a game of chance, like gambling! well, that amusement only lasted for a few weeks. Then you realize that you're now part of that game. At that point, it felt like a challenge. it's like "ooh... nice! i wanna play this game too! it's so exciting!"

then after a few more weeks you realize, "oh crap.. this is dangerous." things start to become serious and you can't just bail out and say i wasn't part of that backstabbing session, you can't say that you didn't have a clue of what was happening around you. Worse part is when you finally find out that the people you've trusted were just faking it the whole time. Then you start thinking about what you've told them before and paranoia starts to get the best of you. god, howcome i didn't see that coming? Now it's like a perpetual phase of wondering what they've been saying behind YOUR back. They must have used at least some of your sidecomments against you already. your jokes have been used against you, and rumors start to spread. rumors like "oh, she's actually pretending that she's friends with this guy, but actually she's on this other person's side. she's such a faker."

where did it all begin? the moment you sat on that office chair in front of your computer, it started. Back when you were still innocently amused by all that activity. Now the office that you used to be so proud to be part of has turned into a theater act that has no end.